This week has been hard. I love it here, I really do. I don't know what I would be without the things I've been through. I officially can't picture myself at home, which is the weirdest feeling. I had a thought of what it would be like to go home the other day and I almost cried (yes, I am going to be one of those RM's). I am so glad I am here for another year, and at the same time I can not believe it's only a year. I'm not ready at all to leave, or for this to be over.
The mission so far has been one of the most humbling learning experiences of my life, and while there are times I don't feel like i've changed or improved myself, just the fact that i can't imagine going home or not doing this work tells me i'm changing without knowing it.
Training is so stressful. I love it, but at the same time I don't. There is so much pressure and responsibility you have to take on, and I am so independent. My job as a trainer is to teach and lead by example, and to share responsibility, because how can you learn if you're not given the opportunity to apply what you learn? Well, I'm learning that very quickly. I read in Jacob
4:14 this week, "Blindness cometh by looking beyond the mark". And I want to compare it to my experience right now. I'm stressed, and not enjoying the responsibility. I feel uncapable, unworthy, unprepared, etc. I don't feel good enough to train this sister to become the sister missionary she needs to become. But that's just it...I'm looking beyond the mark. I'm missing the little moments that make the future possible. I'm thinking too much I guess, rather than just doing the simple things that make up the big picture? Am I making any sense?
I liked David's email this week, he told me to, "Believe in yourself!! Don't ever think you're not good enough. If you are taking the sacrament and praying sincerely and searching the scriptures diligently, you are more than qualified." Man is he right. You tend to forget those things sometimes, especially when you have SO much to focus on. And it's something we all need to remember. "Those whom the Lord calls, he qualifies".
I know that to be true. I know that I am qualified to do this work, to be the trainer and missionary the Lord needs me to be. I know that because I wouldn't be here if He didn't trust me. I wouldn't have felt the promptings from the spirit to come on a mission, or have a desire to serve the Lord.
I also know that He doesn't expect me to be perfect, and we shouldn't feel bad for not being perfect. Our purpose here is to learn how to become perfect. How can we learn if we start out like that? Well, we can't. I know that for a fact. It's a learning, growing process, that we will only accomplish after picking ourselves up and continuing after the many times we "stumble, trip and even fall". We can do it though, because the Lord is always there for us. And that's really all we need to know, that He will always be there, and He will always help us, as long as we try our hardest. 2 Nephi 25:23 (
23:25? I can't remember). It is only after we do all that we can do, that His grace will take affect and He will finish the job for us. That is a promise.
I love you all! Thank you for all the support, love, emails, letters, prayers, etc. Please know how grateful I am for them. I know how lucky and blessed I am to have so many people who love me. I feel it, and I just want every one to know who prays and supports me that they will receive blessings. Because I have used every prayer ever sent to me, and they have helped me tremendously.
Continue working hard, and don't stop. No matter what happens, never stop. Ever :)
Love you all!
With love from the Philippines,
Sister Hogge
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